THE CHRONICLES OF A CYBERHUNTER. season 1 episode 1

Alot has changed over the past coupla months. I've steadily grown from repression to denial then from denial to realization and I now find myself growing past simple realization into acceptance, understanding and learning..


And it is during this period of learning that I have noticed certain changes... it started with body chills, sleepless nights and restless days, followed by spontaneous, uncontrollable erections ( yes, priapism!) these, all brought on by the primordial need for companionship and desire for all the benefits therein.. And one morning, I awoke to find that I had morphed into an unfamiliar being...The cool, geeky, mild mannered Kye was gone and In his stead, there lay KYE-THE GO-GETTER or is it GO-GET-HIM-CYBERHUNTER!


It all started about two weeks ago when the coolest dude ( mad shout out to dvdmugambi!!!!!) who's also gay I might add, randomly decided out of the depths of his cool, caring, chivalrous, compassionate and consoling, heart to give a brotha some useful advice on homosexuality...you know..the do's and the dont's.
He suggested that I use Gaydar .co.uk to meet people but however stressed the need for caution.
As soon as I logged in I was astonished... scratch that..astounded...no, scratch that...flummoxed..no that's not it...I was fuckin stupefied!
I had no inkling, no idea that the Gay world -in Kenya that is, was so vast! I'm like what in the name of prometheus' pubes is this!
I truly had no idea that there existed so many different types of gay!
Bears = Hairy men..I think
twinks ... still dunno
Preppies -  Me..I think
Geeks - definitely me
Bikers
Chubbies
Clubbers
Farmers
Footballers ...and the list goes on


And the types of fetishes....what!!!!!! I'm talking armpits to kilts to frottage, rubber pvc and masks. And the sexual activities???
Suffice it to say that I've always considered myself a bit of a freak but I now see the folly in my thinking.Here are but a few; You'll understand what I'm saying:


Breath Control- This is Dangerous! ask David carradine(God rest his soul)
CBT- whats this?
Cottaging- sounds sophisticated
Electro- ??
Glory Holes- any one care to elaborate?
Masters & Dogs- as in literally?
Rimming- nice
Vacuum Pumping- Nah, I dont even believe this happens
Wrestling- hmmm
Fisting- ........................need i say more? 

Anyway, I digress!
The long and short of it is that I'm learning..... Im growing.....My eyes are beginning to open.- For example, I hadn't thought much about my role,
Ive learned that I am possibly an Active/ versatile....I've learned that I'M not every guys type  ( Imagine my surprise and chagrin!!..) Most importantly I've learned that I don't have to rush into anything...cuz I'm not the only virgin gay in Nairobi!
I've chatted with more than a coupla guys- some nice , some average and some downright scary!
Point is, I realise that I need not worry anymore about making gay friends Or meeting someone...Cuz If I really want to, and if my vetting process is sufficiently on point, I KNOW that I eventually will- It's a wonderful feeling I tell you!
I now realise that this journey has only just began, I see that this can and will be one heck of a ride- If I stop holding back!!!!
Fuck being shy and conservative! All hail KYE- THE GO GET HIM CYBERHUNTER and mad love to dvdmugambi- You're officially one of the chosen few to get to cooler-than-a-polar-bears-toe-nails on my cool-o-meter!
And finally, In tribute to my new found bravado and to all those sexual predator type fucks that keep sending me sexually aggressive mail...I present....... drum-roll please...... MY TUSH!

And now I'm curious....For those who have one, feel free to gimme a rating on your Tush-o-meter, 

butt-o-meter or whatever it is you call your scale..

Please?How? now?

Befor e I begin, I ask that yalls forgive my ineloquency –is there such a word? for im 6 sheets to the wind or rather, higher than snoop dogg on a plane at cruising altitude! (patent pending on that simile) anyhooooooooooo. As we’ve already established . Im drunk-en-ish and figuresd I might as well share shit before I forget it…….
I kicked it with a twice removed boy of mine (twice removed = friend youre cool with through another friend) today. He sed that he needed to sip up and drown his sorrows cuz his long term girlfriend has just recently left the country for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time and being the sucker for any random opportunity to restore the tissues with a stiff whisky that I am, I jumped on it like kriss kross ( patent pending)
So, I get to nakumatt ukay and find that he’s already purchased a bottle of grant’s whisky ( not bad)! He’s in a bad way so we drink up in the whip and talk about his girlfriend-departed for like two hours. I’m all supportive and shit until about halfway through the bottle when all of a sudden I realize that I can’t stop looking at his lips I really try to fight it but I cant stop looking at his lips…. Why must he keep licking them all the muthafuckin time? Why Hadnt I noticed this before? Or had I? Is it a thing he always does and am I just noticing it now? How now is it that I wanna grab his shirt collar kiss him? How now can I be fantasising about mutual fellatios? Some buuuuullshit I think, so I Excuse myself, dash off to the bathroom ( still at ukay) then tell him( rather impatiently) that we have to roll out to a club or something like that. We get to havanna / bacchus and beep beep beep beeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep -my gaydar is going off like crazy,,,,,and its not just all in my drunkrn randy mind…….Its for real! Mad eye contact from a a coupla potentially gay dudes in the spot….- I’m excited! I try to be as “gay” as possible- as if my lingering eye contact is not enough but nothing!….. dudes still keep stealing glances at me like they dunoo wsup!!!!! ( maybe I dunno wsup) Maybe theyre waiting for me to hala at them…. No fukcin way!!!!They must be tripping! Kye’s the hot boy! ( I know… shallow much!)
Through the whole thing, Mr. twice removed is still giving me his soapy. Soppy relationship storos and a coupla whisky’s later, I’m back to thinking about how much I wanna literally suck the life outta his ever-fuckin wet lips-( why the fuck does he keep licking his lips while he talks to me? It all in my gay ass mind? We kick it and I do whatever I can to hide my lascivious longings. We eventually got bored by the cacophony that is havvana/ bacchus and went back to ukay and sipped another half of grants whisky…. I totally wierded the poor soul out with a prolonged hug- (I seldom hug the boys) when we were parting ways. And had I been a tot or two drunker. I just may have tried to kiss the dude!
How now I ask… How now???????? I scare myself
Nite yalls!

A page from my slumbook '09 part one

Today I was sorting out my memorabilia drawer...you know, - the one where you keep your love letters, poems and shit from primary and secondary
school, the one you go to when you wanna remember where you've come from and who you were... yeah- that drawer! So I stumbled upon my standard
5 'slumbook' ... remember those? I know - total throwback memory! Anyway, It got me thinking about what Im really looking for in a man, so I thought I'd
write it down in a pseudo slum book format. Thus:

Name: Kye Kim
Age: Mid twenties
Sex: Male
Favourite food: Bloody steak with baked jacketed potates and mushroom sauce.... others
Favorite music: Indie rock and roll, Piano rock...others
E.T.C: View my profile
Dream guy: See below.

Physicalities:
His visage:
I really dunno what he'd look like cuz there are just too many variables to consider. he'd have to be attractive ( at least to me) but whats certain is that he wouldn't be bearded. Pehaps goateed, moustached, or even clean shaven but bearded- I dunno!

His Height:
He'd be average. you know...somewhere between 5'5 and 5'11. Im not really a stickler for height, that is, as long as its not in the extremes -I find that I feel a certain inquietude around really tall and really short people )

His Physique: In this department, he'd probably be average too. I'm thinking either fit and lean or slightly, just slightly chubby I find both these varieties of average very attractive. More importantly though, he'd have to be comfortable in his own skin! I think self confidence and love of self = Sexy

Race: Again, I'm at a loss. Skin color doesnt really matter. As long as its smooth- I'm a sucker for exteroception...and touchy feely like a muthafukca ( in private though)
I have to admit a certain partiality for dark skin though, so he'd probably be dark- chocolate dark- Nice!
Regardless of what race he'd be, a lovely butt would be definitely totally come through!!!!!!

Personality:
This I need to explore all on its own. For now, Here's the summary:
He gatsta have all general sensibilities of a good human being you know: caring, loving, kind *yawn* patient *yawn*...all that lonely hearts column stuff..but
most importantly, he'd havta be a sanguine, positive and happy person. Negativity sucks! He'd also have to be mentally stimulating- thats a big one!
He'd appreciate the arts, love his literature and gatsta live his life for his passion- no matter what it is. Emotional independence is another biggy! Few things suck more than being with a person who can't handle their feelings and need to be told how and what to feel.

To be continued... Its 10.22pm and I must heed my cravings and attend to the call of the single malt whiskey that awaits me somewhere in this lovely, lush and lurid Nairobi of ours!

The Outing

So there I was, dressed to impress in dark blue levi's, a brilliant white shirt and my tried and tested blue and white chucks- In short, looking sexy as a muthafucka.- I had to! Twas officially going to be the first day of the hunt! (kinda like in big cat diaries when the young lion cub goes for its first hunt) I was resolved to have some meaningful homosexual interaction.

Frankly, I was sick and tired of knowing the truth and doing nothing about it. Twas to be the day that some guy at gypsies will forever remember i.e. the day he met and had a conversation with kye!

The plan was simple: kick it with the boys for a bit, choke down a coupla stiff whiskys until tipsy then ooze out of their presence under the ruse that I was urgently required by my sister (who would just happen to be at gypsies), ... A solid plan (I thought).

Met up with the boys and we decided that our usual haunt (buffet park) was outta the question- too drab!

One of the boys, I'll call him BLAM (Big, Loud Alpha Male) Suggested that we hit Tamasha ( the one near carnivore) cuz he'd heard that its bursting at the seams with naive, fine young debutantes (his exact words were 'young chips funga bitches' but I guess the meaning is nearly the same)

Anyway, we kicked it till like midnight at which point I decided to execute the plan.

As soon as I mentioned the word 'gypsies' all four of them (especially BLAM and GOGTOG (GOds Gift TO Girls) burst into some of the loudest and most distressing laughter Ive heard interspersed with a coupla incriminations directed at me (which I vehemently denied), followed promptly by some of the most deliberate and concerted gay-bashing I've ever heard. Note:These were not your usual run-of -the-mill remarks against homosexuals that the boys generally get into whenever the topic comes up. This was tirade after tirade, insult after insult, and the bastards just wouldn’t stop!

I knew the insults were not aimed at me (I'm as straight as a fukcing arrow as far as they know) but it sure felt like it!

I dont know, maybe they were just being the boys they've always been and its my sensibilities that have changed but I just couldnt take it!

I barely managed to keep a stiff upper lip about the whole thing and told the boys that I was leaving.

By the time I got to the whip, I was seething with rage ( I hope none of the boys noticed) and as soon as I drove out, I totally lost it and burst into tears... Tears? Me? I still don't get it!!!! I havent cried since the patriots lost the superbowl and that was like 2 years ago!

Anyway, I drove straight home cuz I could neither flit nor flirt and it'd probably be a waste of time If I did go to gypsies. Perhaps next weekend... but I'm still trying to figure out why I reacted like that.

Curious list #1: Homosexuality 101

The past coupla weeks have been crazier than daffy duck on speed! I don't even know where to begin... as a matter of fact, I think I'd rather NOT begin! Suffice it to say that in the land of fools, cowards and bitch made punks I reign supreme! I shall say no more today... Tis the first opportunity I've had to spend some much needed quality time with myself and that's precisely what I intend on doing. Today I will be random and by the way, tomorrow I will whine, wail, curse and complain.

As I believe I've mentioned before, I've been 'straight' all my life and have only recently allowed the true nature of my concupiscence to prevail. Concordantly, I pretty much have had zero interaction with anyone gay. and i know close to nothing about it.
I've carried out intense and exhaustive research but, well..., gay porn just doesnt have the answers to most of my questions.
I'm writing today cuz Im hoping that yalls might...I ask that you forgive me my blonde ignorance though.

So, here's my FIRST curious list:

1-How and where do I begin?
2-How does one generally go about meeting guys in Nairobi?
3-What and whom should I be wary of?
3-Should I do the chatting up or expect to be chatted up?
4-Is it sufficient to trust my gaydar or are there other ways to tell if a bloke is gay?
5-Should I hope that I naturally send out 'gay vibes' or are there certain things
i should do to (for lack of a better phrase)-put myself out there?
6-What are the basics that I need to learn?
7-which are the cool pro-gay clubs in nairobi?
8-is it alright to meet guys in clubs anyway?
9-I find that Im attracted to only a specific sort of dude... this is normal isn't it?
10-SEX: how now?
11-SEX: what are the must do's and don't ever's?
12-Will I inevitably develop certain effeminate traits or can I just stay me?
13-Is there a gay community in kenya? How's it stratified? socially/economically/agewise?
14-any other must knows?

The violence- love axis: fcuk the pharmacist

Its been 3 days(came back sunday evening) and I haven't yet absorbed the experience that was the mara. I'm still ummm... lemme see, whats the word...yeah, fazed! Will try to keep this short, but do bear with me if my efforts prove unsuccessful. Anyway,Lemme start at the beginning:

Day 1 (Wednesday) 7.30pm: arrive at the mara after 6 tiring hours on the road, check into the camp, enjoy an absolutely scrumptuous 3 courser, retire to the double room, crack open a bottle of whiskey, chug down a sizeable amount of it, tactfully spurn the repeated sexual advances from the ex, feign sleep, she eventually falls asleep, I thank my lucky stars for yet another day of respite, sneak into the bathroom, run a hot bath, soak for about 2hrs, creep into bed, sleep!


Day 2: 6.30 AM: Wake up with a start to find the ex's paws stroking on my morning-glad to be alive-stiffy, Jump out of bed like her hand was a king cobra, distract her with the fact that we'd be late for the game drive, shoot into the shower before she can say 'sex', shower, shoot back out of if before she can unpack her shampoo and shower gel, dress up, brush teeth, smoke a cigarette at the balcony, wait 10 mins till she's done changing, walk to the dining area, wolf down bacon, eggs, sausages,tea and fruit salad, find maasai guide.

7.30 am: the Game drive: TOTALLY ROCKS!!! savannah flora, savannah fauna- elephant, kudu, hippo, giraffe, hyena, croc and them, no big cats- slightly disappointing, endure sexual overtures from the ex, return to camp.


12.10 pm: aperitif then lunch

1.30 pm: imbibe several Postprandial restoratives,chat, deflect even more aggressive overtures with the promise of wild and passionate sex in later that evening, swim, nap

4.30pm: evening game drive- pretty much the same as the morning one.

7.30 pm:Dinner- generous and well laid out buffet- nice, return to room.

9.00pm: Crack open another bottle of whisky, generously irrigate our parched throats, Im tipsy, she's tipsy, more determined, more intense sexual overtures from her, she walks into the bathroom, I sigh with relief.


10.15-ish:THE RECKONING PART 1:
She walks out of the bathroom with only a towel around her waist- penis registers nothing.
She does her sensual lapdance thing- still, no response.
We kiss- a barely perceptible tingle.
we make out- blood begins to course, erection- sub-optimal.
fellatio- 5 minutes, erection- sub-optimal, fellatio- 10 minutes- still sub-optimal.
She gives up, I apologise, she's disappointed, I tell her that I'm only tired, I promise to pleasure and please the next day, I know that Im lying,we drink, we smoke,we talk, we bond, we chill, she sleeps, I'm HAPPY!



Day 3:11.45am:Hangover, we've missed breakfast and the morning game drive!- DRAT!

1.00pm: Lunch- nice, we talk, we're friends, Im cool!

2.00pm: conversation and bonding: she sez the mara experience feels empty without sex, I promise to please.

4.00pm-ish: on my suggestion we finish off previous nights whiskey, crack open another bottle, we drink it, sip it, gulp it, consume it, imbibe it, ... A successful and subtle subterfuge.

7.00pm ( I think)- alcohol induced emesis merges into alcohol induced coma.

Day 4:7.30 am: Hangover, breakfast, Find guide, game drive, see pride of lions with a kill (close
range)- awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1.00pm- 7.00pm: she's more than optimistic about our forthcoming sexual encounter, otherwise- largely uneventful.


9.00pm: THE RECKONING PART 2....
after moderate drinking, she pops into the shower, I secretly pop a pill of V then pop into the shower with her (spurred on by the pangs of guilt).
heavy kissing, heavy petting, penis still registers nothing, Im ambivalent, she's
disappointed, we leave the shower,
more heavy kissing and making out, suddenly, erection- 100%
fellatio- erection 110%
more fellatio- erection 150 fcuking percent, feels like the muthafcuka's about to
explode!!!!!!
I lose it!, I pull, I push, I thrust, I fcuk, I fcuk, She screams, I dont care, She cries, I dont care, I fcuk, she begs, I fcuk. I smack, she's crying, she tells to stop, I ignore her, I moan obsceneties, I fcuk! I fcuk!................... I come! I'm back to myself........... She's still crying, I hear her crying, I hate myself........she sobs....... I loathe myself............she sniffs............I abhor myself..........WHAT HAVE I DOOOOONE???? I'm a fcuking rapist!..........She's sobbing, sniffing and crying............she turns to me, she whimpers:
"I love you *sob* and I really dont wanna be without you *sob* sob*, I don't want us to be over anymore * sniff* you're my soulmate!"

I'll trust the pharmacist

So ,I broke up with my looooooong time girlfriend a week ago today. 6years!!!!- it went pretty well as a matter of fact-insults, accusations, tears, hugs and all!
Told her that we need rediscover our individuality, reconnect with ourselves and redefine who we truly are or something to that effect...twas a lie- a carefully constructed, well rehearsed and alliterated lie, but undoubtedly a more than necessary one...there was just no way I could tell her that we're breaking up because well, I'm more gay than straight...doesn't sound logical even now as I think it. Plus, and more importantly I just couldn't put her through that kind of heartache- not her gentle heart, no not her!...she'd probably think that SHE turned me gay and blame herself for it! I just couldn't have that.

Well anyway, we decided to remain friends- a concept which I, at that moment, was more than ecstatic about. I even let my silly little mind wander like 3 years into the future and I saw how super-cool It'd be when she'd know Im gay but still be my bestfriend... In retrospect, I now utterly rue it !

See,the thing is, we met this past Sunday (friends do things like that) and she asked if we could do it i.e engage in coitus/copulate one more time (note: we haven't done it since the awakening began)... perhaps this is why she was so amicable about the break up...anyway I digress!... as I was saying, being the absolute punk that I am, I sed Yes! Can you blame me though? How in the name of zeus' buttocks- yes, they have a name!- could I say no to a 4 night all expense paid trip to the mara?????????

I've just finished packing and now I'm trying to strategize this whole thing... I've bought gallons of alcohol and some viagra which I hope should do the trick!- the chemist sed that the adverse reactions are negligible...ish.

It is what it is!

How do I make a start? How do I muster up the courage to splash into the unfamiliar water that is homosexuality? I never really felt like I was in the closet...maybe its because the closet was somewhere in the dark, repressed recesses of my mind. Now that its at the fore, and I now know that I'm right in it, now that I'm beginning to understand and embrace my sexuality, I realise that I cant breathe! It feels like i have a fcuking pneumothorax.. its dark, damp, I'm scared, I'm sweating and Im alone...so alone!
I have many friends, but there's no one I could talk to and it sucks! I wish to god that I had a gay friend- Ive never even had a conversation with a gay dude- how fcuked up is that?!
I know it'd really help if I did though, ... at least there'd be someone standing right beside me in it or even on the other side of the closet that i could to talk to. Anyway, it is what it is! A series of stiff restoratives should fix me right up... for a couple of hours at least!

Aint this a bitch!

Yup! 'Aint this a bitch' more than adequately describes my utter consternation at this whole thing. lemme explain:
2 weeks days ago, I was rather bored so i decided on watching this pretty poofy sitcom called 'As If', and true to form, it was as gay as well...-faggots.
All was cool till out of the fucking blue, there it was- an erection- right between my thighs!
Now, thing is, this wasn't your average stiff one.. this was one of those -bursting out of your pants, throbbing like it has its own heart, trouser ripping erections! And why was my otherwise tame member being so unruly? Well, because there was this gay dude on, and he was so dashed handsome that in 5 mins he single handedly tore down the walls of repression and denial that had taken me more than 10 friggin years to build!
Fuck that fictional gay bastard!..and now here I am, unable to deny it, unable to ignore it, stripped of my once phenomenal powers of repression, back to the beginning.
Here I am at my (homo) sexual awakening!