The violence- love axis: fcuk the pharmacist

Its been 3 days(came back sunday evening) and I haven't yet absorbed the experience that was the mara. I'm still ummm... lemme see, whats the word...yeah, fazed! Will try to keep this short, but do bear with me if my efforts prove unsuccessful. Anyway,Lemme start at the beginning:

Day 1 (Wednesday) 7.30pm: arrive at the mara after 6 tiring hours on the road, check into the camp, enjoy an absolutely scrumptuous 3 courser, retire to the double room, crack open a bottle of whiskey, chug down a sizeable amount of it, tactfully spurn the repeated sexual advances from the ex, feign sleep, she eventually falls asleep, I thank my lucky stars for yet another day of respite, sneak into the bathroom, run a hot bath, soak for about 2hrs, creep into bed, sleep!


Day 2: 6.30 AM: Wake up with a start to find the ex's paws stroking on my morning-glad to be alive-stiffy, Jump out of bed like her hand was a king cobra, distract her with the fact that we'd be late for the game drive, shoot into the shower before she can say 'sex', shower, shoot back out of if before she can unpack her shampoo and shower gel, dress up, brush teeth, smoke a cigarette at the balcony, wait 10 mins till she's done changing, walk to the dining area, wolf down bacon, eggs, sausages,tea and fruit salad, find maasai guide.

7.30 am: the Game drive: TOTALLY ROCKS!!! savannah flora, savannah fauna- elephant, kudu, hippo, giraffe, hyena, croc and them, no big cats- slightly disappointing, endure sexual overtures from the ex, return to camp.


12.10 pm: aperitif then lunch

1.30 pm: imbibe several Postprandial restoratives,chat, deflect even more aggressive overtures with the promise of wild and passionate sex in later that evening, swim, nap

4.30pm: evening game drive- pretty much the same as the morning one.

7.30 pm:Dinner- generous and well laid out buffet- nice, return to room.

9.00pm: Crack open another bottle of whisky, generously irrigate our parched throats, Im tipsy, she's tipsy, more determined, more intense sexual overtures from her, she walks into the bathroom, I sigh with relief.


10.15-ish:THE RECKONING PART 1:
She walks out of the bathroom with only a towel around her waist- penis registers nothing.
She does her sensual lapdance thing- still, no response.
We kiss- a barely perceptible tingle.
we make out- blood begins to course, erection- sub-optimal.
fellatio- 5 minutes, erection- sub-optimal, fellatio- 10 minutes- still sub-optimal.
She gives up, I apologise, she's disappointed, I tell her that I'm only tired, I promise to pleasure and please the next day, I know that Im lying,we drink, we smoke,we talk, we bond, we chill, she sleeps, I'm HAPPY!



Day 3:11.45am:Hangover, we've missed breakfast and the morning game drive!- DRAT!

1.00pm: Lunch- nice, we talk, we're friends, Im cool!

2.00pm: conversation and bonding: she sez the mara experience feels empty without sex, I promise to please.

4.00pm-ish: on my suggestion we finish off previous nights whiskey, crack open another bottle, we drink it, sip it, gulp it, consume it, imbibe it, ... A successful and subtle subterfuge.

7.00pm ( I think)- alcohol induced emesis merges into alcohol induced coma.

Day 4:7.30 am: Hangover, breakfast, Find guide, game drive, see pride of lions with a kill (close
range)- awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1.00pm- 7.00pm: she's more than optimistic about our forthcoming sexual encounter, otherwise- largely uneventful.


9.00pm: THE RECKONING PART 2....
after moderate drinking, she pops into the shower, I secretly pop a pill of V then pop into the shower with her (spurred on by the pangs of guilt).
heavy kissing, heavy petting, penis still registers nothing, Im ambivalent, she's
disappointed, we leave the shower,
more heavy kissing and making out, suddenly, erection- 100%
fellatio- erection 110%
more fellatio- erection 150 fcuking percent, feels like the muthafcuka's about to
explode!!!!!!
I lose it!, I pull, I push, I thrust, I fcuk, I fcuk, She screams, I dont care, She cries, I dont care, I fcuk, she begs, I fcuk. I smack, she's crying, she tells to stop, I ignore her, I moan obsceneties, I fcuk! I fcuk!................... I come! I'm back to myself........... She's still crying, I hear her crying, I hate myself........she sobs....... I loathe myself............she sniffs............I abhor myself..........WHAT HAVE I DOOOOONE???? I'm a fcuking rapist!..........She's sobbing, sniffing and crying............she turns to me, she whimpers:
"I love you *sob* and I really dont wanna be without you *sob* sob*, I don't want us to be over anymore * sniff* you're my soulmate!"

I'll trust the pharmacist

So ,I broke up with my looooooong time girlfriend a week ago today. 6years!!!!- it went pretty well as a matter of fact-insults, accusations, tears, hugs and all!
Told her that we need rediscover our individuality, reconnect with ourselves and redefine who we truly are or something to that effect...twas a lie- a carefully constructed, well rehearsed and alliterated lie, but undoubtedly a more than necessary one...there was just no way I could tell her that we're breaking up because well, I'm more gay than straight...doesn't sound logical even now as I think it. Plus, and more importantly I just couldn't put her through that kind of heartache- not her gentle heart, no not her!...she'd probably think that SHE turned me gay and blame herself for it! I just couldn't have that.

Well anyway, we decided to remain friends- a concept which I, at that moment, was more than ecstatic about. I even let my silly little mind wander like 3 years into the future and I saw how super-cool It'd be when she'd know Im gay but still be my bestfriend... In retrospect, I now utterly rue it !

See,the thing is, we met this past Sunday (friends do things like that) and she asked if we could do it i.e engage in coitus/copulate one more time (note: we haven't done it since the awakening began)... perhaps this is why she was so amicable about the break up...anyway I digress!... as I was saying, being the absolute punk that I am, I sed Yes! Can you blame me though? How in the name of zeus' buttocks- yes, they have a name!- could I say no to a 4 night all expense paid trip to the mara?????????

I've just finished packing and now I'm trying to strategize this whole thing... I've bought gallons of alcohol and some viagra which I hope should do the trick!- the chemist sed that the adverse reactions are negligible...ish.

It is what it is!

How do I make a start? How do I muster up the courage to splash into the unfamiliar water that is homosexuality? I never really felt like I was in the closet...maybe its because the closet was somewhere in the dark, repressed recesses of my mind. Now that its at the fore, and I now know that I'm right in it, now that I'm beginning to understand and embrace my sexuality, I realise that I cant breathe! It feels like i have a fcuking pneumothorax.. its dark, damp, I'm scared, I'm sweating and Im alone...so alone!
I have many friends, but there's no one I could talk to and it sucks! I wish to god that I had a gay friend- Ive never even had a conversation with a gay dude- how fcuked up is that?!
I know it'd really help if I did though, ... at least there'd be someone standing right beside me in it or even on the other side of the closet that i could to talk to. Anyway, it is what it is! A series of stiff restoratives should fix me right up... for a couple of hours at least!